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Types of Climbers

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Types of Climbers

Postby SKI » Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:11 pm

Found this on Mountain Proj from OP Brian and thought it was funny as hell:

Different types of climbers/climbing:

Bouldering: You climb without a rope near the ground on boulders or at the base of a cliff. You never climb farther than you are willing to fall. Falls are usually broken by use of a padded “crash” pad. Helps build finger strength and footwork.
Comment: Not really climbing. For people afraid of heights who like to talk about the moves more than doing them, who like wearing wool beanies in the summer, who “spray” (brag), “pull” (climb), have “rad problems” (routes), and “crush” them when they climb them. Commonly start problems by sitting on the ground. Get freaked out by the exposure when their chalk bag clears the ground. What’s the hardest thing about bouldering?...Coming out to your parents. Bouldering men: are really boys. Bouldering women: are really girls, though cute in those beanies and Prana pants.

Free Soloing: You are climbing alone way above the ground without any protection. If you fall you will die or be seriously injured.
Comment: Free soloing is about lonely mentally deranged people who can't tie knots and have a death wish but are too chicken to just jump.

Soloing: You are climbing alone with gear. Each pitch has to be climbed on self-belay then rappelled and cleaned by the climber who then ascends back up the rope using ascenders.
Comment: Solo climbing is about people with no friends who talk to themselves.

Aid climbing – Used to climb big walls and routes that are too hard to be free climbed. Aid climbing is when you commit your body weight directly to protection in order to rest or ascend. Uses rope ladders called etiers.
Comment: Not really climbing the cliff, really climbing the rope/gear. It is for people with infinite patience and time on their hands.

Gym Climbing : Climbing indoors in a rock climbing gym with pre-set top-ropes or lead climbing.
Comment: Someone who climbs almost exclusively indoors is known as a gym rat. Climbing posers whose primary aim (whether male or female) is to pick up guys.

Sport climbing: The climber clips quickdraws (slings with biners) into pre-existing bolted hangers for protection. Routes tend to be hard requiring athleticism.
Comment: Sport climbing is neither. Sport climber: Chalks up, backs away, re-chalks, breathes deep, re-chalks, and looks at climb again. Climbs without shirts call each other “dude” regardless of gender and “sends” route (no one knows where) instead of climbs them. Can be seen carrying a stick-clip for high first clips they are afraid to climb to. Often climbs with boom box blaring heavy medal or hip hop. Sport climber men: shaves body hair, wears Capri pants, and smokes dope to excess. Sport climber women: wear Capri pants, sport bras, and are hot. For girly-men and hot chicks.

Top Roping: a climbing rope runs through an anchor set-up at the top of the cliff, to the climber. Cliffs must be less than half the rope length for a sling shot/social belay or else you have to belay from the top of the cliff.
Comment: Top roping is like masturbation…it will satisfy the urge when you can’t get the real thing.

Traditional (Trad) Climbing: The leader places protection as he/she climbs and the “second” removes the protection when he/she follows. Trad is used to climb multi-pitch (more than a rope length) routes and mountains to get to the summit. When in the mountains, and especially when mixed with ice/snow, it is called alpine climbing.
Comment: This is the only true climbing. In addition to climbing ability it takes mechanical aptitude and big cojones. Trad climbers consider themselves morally superior to all others. Trad climber men: middle-aged with belly, belches, farts, picks nose, pisses off cliff, swears frequently, and drinks alcohol to excess. Wishes they could climb harder than 5.4 so they could hang with the hot sport climbing chicks. Trad climber women: same qualities as men.
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby pyerger » Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:44 pm

Very well said! What about mountaineers, that is a form of climbing?
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby SKI » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:20 pm

That's a good point!

Care to add?
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby pyerger » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:54 pm

Perhaps, When I'm off the clock.
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby Buz Groshong » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:55 pm

Actually, they are already included in trad climbers.
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby Buz Groshong » Thu Mar 10, 2011 6:15 pm

Fletch wrote:
Buz Groshong wrote:Actually, they are already included in trad climbers.

Im not middle aged! :D



I'm not either! (unless I live to 130, that is) :lol:
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby lcarreau » Fri Mar 11, 2011 2:56 am

Image

Oh, sorry ... thought you were talkin' about PLANTS.

:oops:
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby JJBrunner » Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:47 am

pyerger wrote:Very well said! What about mountaineers, that is a form of climbing?

Mountaineers are too easy...
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby Kiefer » Fri Mar 11, 2011 7:44 am

Freakin awesome!!! This is worthy of poster or T-shirt material!
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby The Chief » Fri Mar 11, 2011 1:33 pm

ICE CLIMBERS?
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby SKI » Fri Mar 11, 2011 2:26 pm

Many, MANY cubes short of a full tray, those ice climbers!
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby TheOrglingLlama » Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:51 pm

http://www.tradgirl.com/climbing_faq/ic ... m#starting

To find out if ice climbing is for you,

1. Ask, read, and lose as much sleep as possible wondering what style of ice gear is right for you.

2. Bring your VISA card to your closest climbing store and spend all of next year's disposable income on equipment that somebody on the internet recommended based on hearsay.

3. Hide the gear at home and try to control the fear that the thought of "your wife finding out that you just spend $3K that you didn't have" will bring to your heart.

4. Using a 10 lbs. frozen sea bass, smash the backside your fingers until you can't hold the frozen carcass any longer.

5. In front of an open refrigerator, strip to your underwear, place 10 or 12 ice cubes around your testicles, poor a gallon of cold water over your head, and repeat "Man... This is f*cking great!".

6. Tie yourself to a massive object just under the balconies of your local retirement home, display a sign that reads "Save my future... Reduce Social Security benefits now!", and try to survive the barrage of large hurling objects coming your way.

7. Ask your neighbor to tie his Rottweiler with a shoelace at the other side of a 4 foot fence. Smack the dog a couple of times and repeat "If the string breaks, the fence will hold him back... the fence will hold... the fence will hold..."

8. Call-in sick Friday morning. Jump in the car with a couple of guys with questionable personal hygiene and drive for 13 hours. Get our of the car, realize that there is no ice to be climbed and return home feeling still excited about the prospects for ice climbing the next weekend.

9. Find out, from your new friends, that half of the gear that you bought in step #2 is really worthless and that "...only 'Posers' buy that stuff".

and finally,

10. Over a romantic dinner, tell your wife that she will be on-her-own for Thanksgiving, X-mas, New Year's, Martin Luther King Day, and Presidents' Day, because you will be driving "up-north" with "the guys".
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Re: Types of Climbers

Postby Swithich » Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:45 pm

So what you are telling me is my priorities are correct as a sport climber because I can climb above a 5.4 and, therefore, can climb with the hot climber women (that aren't climbers because they are not climbing trad), even if I'm not a real climber myself.

Hmmm. I feel okay about that.

-Swithich
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