Tribute to EastKing...and to myself...by Rebekah LaSala
Hello, it is August 9th and I have been suffering over the past two months (after being in remission from all of my infections since October and spending too much time being depressed over residual chronic pain and stress)with another severe infection. However, I got good news today...Another recent cat scan and trans ultrasound reveal that I do not have anything "serious" going on and that my cysts that were in my ovaries are "resolving" and that my (serious bladder) infection is treatable. My Urologist told me, "You are just one of those people who has to live with pelvic pain for the rest of your life..." and I just realized that I have to live my life in spite of the horrific, stabbing pain, the horrific, crippling and paralyzing fear that being chronically ill can create, and to revel in the times when I am entering remission, which I will hopefully be doing soon.
To be completely honest: I want to defy them all...I want to lose weight through hiking for sure, but also through changing my Nutritional lifestyle, joining a support group and going to the gym. I also have Fibromyalgia since I was 19 and I am now 38 and of course, there are a lot of complex issues around that due to the SEVERE muscular pain I have when I am going uphill.
I think that being heavy and making this decision to be healthy means that I am in a FIGHT FOR MY LIFE and that it takes MUCH MORE THAN WILLPOWER, but rather A WILL TO LIVE. That is what I choose today. And, like that song that I was just listening to by Boston, “Don't Look Back”, I guess I am not interested in looking back anymore.
There have been a lot that EastKing and I have been through over the 11 years. I have allowed fear to rule my life during much of that time due to growing up in an alcoholic family and dealing with all of the feelings of inadequacy of being in a family where unconditional love is not, and never was (from them), a part of my life and where being heavy means not getting "approval" from them. My life is sort of reminiscent of that song "Second Chance" where the guy talks about "Sometimes goodbye is a Second Chance" and that is how I feel about my life. I have had to weed out some very toxic people and I have an uphill battle to climb. I weeded out toxic and bad neighbors and "friends", doctors who scoffed at and belittled me, people who said they would "be there" but left me alone and abandoned when my pain was at its worst. I am ready to bring in new, healthier people and I welcome them all.
I am ready to step out of the fear zone and lose the 120 pounds. I am ready to change. Ready to go. The doctors, the ones who have been there for me, tell me there is hope for me yet, but that I better start acting now. I love my husband so much and I want to be part of this site so I can be part of his life more.
I have never really been of the philosophy to climb peaks just to do it, even if I was really fit and think and in shape, I just want to see what I can do and enjoy the journeys. I am only interested in bettering my life. I am not interested in competing with anyone.
I write this because there are TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT when my wonderful, courageous husband, EK, who could have just up and left so many times during this ordeal with my health and the horrific stress it has created for him and both of us...but he has always encouraged me to hike...and to write...and to lose weight through hiking. He is my hero...I am always awe inspired by this man. This wonderful, caring, and sensitive and compassionate man and hiker who also always cares about others on the trail.
I am listening to one of my all time favorite songs "Don't Look Back" by Boston and I am ready to move forward into my life. I am ready to go. I am ready to move forward. I am ready to lose 100 pounds.
I am looking for hiking partners...Preferably other overweight people b/c I will understand where they are coming from and they will understand where I am coming from on a that deeper, emotional level of the gutwrenching part of being overweight or heavy that most thin or superfit people are not able to relate to.
There have been many times when people's insensitive or downright piercing or compassionless looks or remarks on trails have gotten me so raging, so angry that I have been scared into submission and allowed myself to feel oppressed, afraid of the mountains because of my size.
During all of this time, I have always had EastKing by my side, encouraging me, but often feeling helpless as my husband over my chronic illness,and me, often unable to express to him how helpless I feel over not being able to see the things he sees...like awesome wildflowers or marmots. He is my hero, though, and I want to share that with those on this site...because he has fought for us with two jobs and I know he would be doing a lot more hiking if he could but our circumstances have not allowed it. I am working a crappy retail job where I am not getting enough hours, but I keep trying and praying for something better.
I know that I have to live life now hard core, live life like that "livestrong" bracelets or website says. I know that in order to lose the 120 pounds, it is going to take summoning all my courage, all my bravery of my 38 years, and to do it...to defy the doctors, defy the illnesses, defy the diabetes that I am not far from.
In fact, I started this "Peakbagging for Weight Loss" below..
Throughout the better part of 15 years I have had serious struggles with health and weight issues. Back in 2004 I started hiking with Greg to help me lose 90 pounds. And I lost 91 pounds, but then I gained it back after a stressful job and...another setback and leaving the job, and before you know it, I was heavy again...Hopelessness and that same old self hatred ensued.
Unfortunately on my toughest climb up Mount Lafayette (Picture here in the Blue Jacket, ten pounds away from my weight goal) when my husband and I were almost at even pace I blew out my knee and didn't hike at all for a couple of years, due to a physical therapist who told me to stop exercising. (Bad advice, and even more dumb that I took it.) I did manage to hike occasionally in 2005 through 2008 but never really got into peak bagging until November 2009 where despite it being the rainiest month of the year I was able to go peak bagging quite frequently. But by February of 2010 I was yet again strongly affected by a number of bladder infections which caused me to spend a number of days in the hospital and I was not able to go hiking again until recently.
EastKing has always motivated me and therefore, I want to make him proud, but it will be one slow step after another. At the point that this was written...it was a few months ago, but now I would be happy with 15 instead of the 20 that I had originally wanted.
I am not caring if they are difficult or not but I do want to be consistent in peak bagging because I know this is the only way I will reach my goal. At first this album might be boring because I will be doing a lot of lower end hiking but hopefully by the end of the year I can tackle some more interesting mountains.
I will be updating this page as I attempt to reach all 20 summits. None of the 20 summits will be drive ups because the whole idea is to use it for weight loss. Hopefully by the end of this year, I will be triumphant both personally, spiritually, emotionally, professionally, and every other way, and more than I am now, and I can make Greg (and many others, most importantly, myself) proud. It is going to be a long and difficult journey, but I am ready to do it (to face fear and pain) and I need a lot of help and support and encouragement along the way. I am ready to put one foot in front of the other. Thanks for your support in reading this, it means so much!