Don't Do These or Else
This is supposed to be fun, and you are supposed to laugh at yourself. If you are among the precious people who take offense easily and dwell and even thrive in victimhood, please close this right now and schedule a remedial session with the therapist your parents are paying for.
I am or have been guilty of three on the list that follows. Now I have to hate and report myself.
During our time as climbers, many of us have read "Climbing Deal Breakers" in Rock and Ice. Most have laughed, including at themselves. A few have taken offense even though the author has stated that it is satire. And a dear few have taken such offense as to write very long rebuttals that delight the people who enjoy the outrage of those born without the sarcasm gene or who were completely normal at birth but later became trained to be professional victims.
So, rather than re-post it here again and see who takes the bait this time, I have written my own "More Climbing Deal Breakers," and I have tried to do it in the style of the original.
Anyone guilty of any three of these, or any one of them at least three times, should be off your list forever.
Wait, I think I may have disqualified myself from climbing with me for violating three rules. That will be interesting to figure out. Maybe it means no more rope-soloing.
Anyway, there is a good chance you're not worth climbing with if you engage in any of the following:
- Actually using the term crush or any variant of it at the crag instead of only on the Internet. Just say you climbed hard or well.
- Similar to the aforementioned, using terms such as bro, brah, and, worst of all, braj, at the crag.
- To repeat, send. You send packages and emails and texts. You climb mountains and cliffs. Didn't fall or hang? Just say you climbed it clean.
- Referring to famous climbers by their first names unless you actually know them on a first-name basis. Stop trying to look cool. Have some self-respect, bro.
- Following any pro climber on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or whatever. Aren't climbers supposed to be independent and anti-establishment? Why do you feed attention whores?
- Reporting people like me who use the term attention whore not out of misogynistic intent but because it's actually the perfect term for the situation.
- Plastering stickers from climbing sites all over your car. Real climbers don't tell the rest of the world they climb. Besides, your stupid stickers make you a target for thieves.
- Even worse than above, putting said stickers on your helmet, or patches on your backpack. Now all you're doing is impressing other climbers, and they aren't impressed.
- Clipping, falling, taking up to the bolt, feeling things out, making the move, and then claiming a send. No one else does this, brah.
- Wearing a gym card on your harness at an outdoor crag. Take it off or get a second harness. And stop providing free advertising for businesses taking monthly sums that could feed hundreds of starving families in Africa. Don't be a tool, braj.
- Hanging your speaker from a bolt on a popular route. Playing music at the crag was enough asshattery already; did you really have to compound it?
- Vaping at the crag. If you have to subject us to smelling the shit you smoke, at least be old-skool and use cigarettes or weed.
- Showing up for a first climbing date without basic gear like harness and shoes. Swipe left...
- Asking others to take you out but not offering to carry gear and pay for gas and beer. Swipe left...
- Feeling your climber instead of watching your climber because you don't want to ruin your onsight. Climb it first if a sport onsight means that much to you. Or be a responsible belayer. Otherwise, it's another swipe left.
- Giving your leader a nice, smooth lower until the last few yards, at which point you essentially take the climber off and take years off his or her ankles. Explanation?
- Asking stupid questions that people have asked and answered a billion times already and which a simple Google search will cover. Someone in your past told you the only stupid question is the one that's never asked; that person was either lying, stupid, or both.
- Blocking people you don't like. Not only have you censored yourself from some conversations, but you also don't seem to get that it's very easy to figure out who's blocking you, which also makes it easier to troll you and cause further self-exclusion.
- Privately complaining to administrators of a free public climbing forum about the behavior of other members. Keep your butthurt to yourself or deal with it honorably, such as by starting an angry thread the rest of us can feed and enjoy or, gasp, by replying directly to the person and starting a conversation instead of a trial.
- Spending time writing passive-aggressive shit on the Internet under the guise of humor when you could be spending the same time climbing, training, or drinking. Well, to be fair, you probably were drinking.
Okay, I'm probably guilty of four instead of three. Lol.
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